Being a student after all these years

Loaded with thoughts
I feel my brain will burst,
All these concepts of Psychology
Seem to just bite the dust.

Someone tell these teachers
you better teach what you preach,
Bombarding us with mindless tasks
is only making my mind screech.

Pretending to be alert
I have definitely polished my acting skills,
shutting off my brain
you will surely make me ace meditation skills.

Scanning through the gloomy faces
I wonder if the teacher forgot his specs on his desk,
for only that can be the reason
as he just can’t see his teaching skills have failed the test!

Goodbye to the year of many firsts!

2019…it’s going to be a year I will remember for good!

I started this blog, left my job, went back to studies, met some amazing people, started writing poems after ages, it was also like a flashback of my school days as I went to practice teaching as a part of my course, my first solo trip after being a mom, my first treck, my first rappelling experience, my first paintings in may be over 15 years, my first android phone (it was hard to move away from apple but I don’t regret it now), my first attempt at gardening, my first winter boots (yes I finally own a pair) but most important of all my first step towards being open about how I really feel – whether it was about my past life or situations at present, this has been a landmark achievement for me, to be able to express how I feel – to my loved ones and to my friends. Situations where otherwise I would have put up an excuse, I was transparent as I trusted my friends to understand and the same with my family too.


One of my blogs last year I hope 2019 will be my year! mentioned “I hope this year you give up all your doubts, accept yourself as you are and love yourself more than anyone..I hope you smile looking at your reflection and not feel pity..and that smile reaches your eyes” and looking back I feel immense gratitude to have experienced this. I also realized that it wouldn’t have been possible for me to achieve it unless I trusted myself completely and the people around me. Whether it was about trusting my husband to get my son ready for school while I was off to my school, trusting my kid to stay without me when I went for my trip, trusting my family to take good care of him while I was away…none of this would have been possible until I had that faith that they all mean good and they will not disappoint me.

So many times we just end up taking up everything on ourselves, because we feel nobody can do it better than us, especially when it comes to taking care of kids.I was also in the same league but I am more than happy to now see myself moving away from this opinion. It also helps in making people less dependent on you, thus leading to more time to work on things you really want to do. Like I got to read a countless number of books this year which was a big high for me (which also kept me away from my blog) and all the firsts I mentioned above were made possible (ok you can keep the shopping bit out of this).


As always (as you know I love to sum up my write-ups by now) here are a few words which sum the past year for me:

As this wonderful year comes to an end lets take a quick flashback of how amazing has it been…a year of many firsts…a year of conquering our fears…a year or following our passion…a year of taking baby steps…a year of discovering our superpowers…a year of new beginnings…a year of new bondings…a year of crying our hearts out…a year of sharing our deepest secrets…a year of having faith in all of us…my heart is filled with gratitude for the magic I experienced this year thanks to the love and warmth of my family and friends and most of all my little angel!

I wish the new year brings you closer to your dreams…gives you the strength to move ahead when you need to…warmth of your loved ones when you feel low and success for all the hard work you do!

Happy New Year and cheers to many more firsts!!

Rediscovering my Pehchaan!

4882353-Kristin-Hannah-Quote-Finding-your-passion-isn-t-just-about-careers.jpgIn the last few months, I came across some exceptionally wonderful women in my life but they all had the same problem – they felt they are loosing their identity or have already lost it. It was a dire need to rediscover it for them and I on the other hand felt very sure of myself when I heard them but as we experienced different situations, challenges and some very vulnerable moments, I got to realize that I was sailing in the same boat. I was not really the person I believed myself to be, there was so much more to me which I never let out or experience because I was too scared of how people will react to it.


For instance, I never tried any adventure sport ever because I felt so sure that I will not be able to do it or I will fall and people will simply laugh at me. I always said “Adventure sports is just not my thing” which was a very convenient mask to cover up my fear of failure. This reminds me of my first swimming class, I was in grade 2 back then and was terrified of cold water. My Mom enrolled me and I had no choice but to go for it. I tried giving excuses to the coach there that I was feeling sick, but what she did instead of showing some sympathy towards me was to push me into the pool. Yes she did! And I felt cheated…I was like what?? How can you do that and ohhh! What do I do now? Some body save me pleaseeee! A couple of days after that I was kicking in water using that floating board and then eventually swimming and there came a point that I did not want to miss those classes as I realized I was good at it. Had my Mom not enrolled me and the coach had not pushed me…I would have never learnt how to swim. I needed that push to experience something I feared badly. Similarly, had I not gone for that offsite a few months back I would have never tried trekking, rappelling and camping that too like without a tent…sleeping under the sky on the top of a mountain in a sleeping bag…which for all this while was “So not me”.Sounds exciting right? Now I feel like what stopped me before. The answer is also ME!


I always feared failure before I even initiated an act, a lot of times in life and people do take advantage of that..we all know it. Looking back, I know that only when I was able to risk “judgment” by others is when I have truly experienced satisfaction and success. As mothers, we often forget or compromise on our happiness and passion, which becomes a habit with time. We fear, that if we spend time on ourselves, who will take care of the kids? What will people say…what kind of a mother is she? We just create these walls around us, walls that hide us from the world and only show the mother. Before we realize these walls become a part of us, our lives.


Do you remember the times when you were a teenager and you felt that mom has just one job to do – nag us all the time to study…or eat whereas we only wanted to be with our friends or by our own self and just chill out? Now when we are in their shoes, we can feel that their whole lives revolved around us…they wanted to ensure we get the best of everything and in doing that they forgot what’s best for them.


So, why loose ourselves in proving to the world that we are the best mothers or wives or daughter in laws? I tried being that perfect mom by waking up at 5 and cooking fresh meals for my son and husband and doing everything else at home all by myself along with my job – I wanted to be that superwoman we all read about in articles these days but end result – an exhausted zombie who had no life in her by evening and all I could do was yell at everyone around me. All the mom’s who are doing this everyday…hats off to them but also the mom’s who are not…its ok! It’s ok if you delegate work or have a help around…I do too. That does not make us any less a person or a bad mom.


It’s when we compare ourselves with others, we hurt ourselves the most. It’s wonderful to aspire to do things better or multi task but not at the cost of losing your confidence and identity. We need to nurture ourselves, like we nurture the plants we have at home, like we nurture our kids. Taking that first step towards your forgotten dream or trying something you have always feared, is the most difficult thing to do, but who said you experience magic at your convenience. When you risk it all to follow your heart, you experience your true authentic self, you unfold your pehchaan.

Gulzar has summed this up beautifully:

“Kuch alag karna hai to

Bheed se hatke chaliye

Bheed sahas to deti hai

Magar pehchaan cheen leti hai”

Mujhe sab nahi pata..Yes I am a mom and also Human!


I have been wanting to write about this since the time I saw that all out campaign video and it stayed with me. It was so painfully true…the helplessness of the mother who had this pressure on her head that she’s supposed to know it all and how can she go wrong..and its an everyday scenario for mothers isn’t it? The questions are asked from our own family …”arre tumhaare hote hue ye kaise ho gaya”? I’m sorry but am I supposed be GOD…I am a mother yes but I am also Human…I can’t possibly control everything in my child’s life.

We try our best to make things work for our kids,to give them a seamless experience but yes we are all learning in the process too.I didn’t know my son is allergic to curd.He loved it and I gave it to him happily.Only later I realized he was getting his constant cough due to this allergy so I stopped but yes I have faced those months of endless anxiety and sleepless nights when he coughed through the night and all I could do was hug him close and try to make him sleep.I have also heard people warn me against using nebulizer for my kid…but when you see your kid in such pain and your trusted doctor says that’s the best way.I will go for it.I may be wrong for a lot of people and I have also got the looks from a lot of aunties who feel I am not capable enough to take care of my child but over the years I have definitely learned one thing…do hell with them.


You may have all the time to judge me…but I have a human to raise and teach him values and sensitivity which seems to be clearly missing in a lot of people around us.I may have made mistakes and can still make them in future – but as a human I feel its my right to make mistakes and learn. I will do every possible thing to keep my baby safe and I do not need anyone’s validation for that.

Mommies my only message to you is do not take this pressure get to are doing your best and with time you will get better as the babies will grow up.Mother nature has equipped us in every way to take care of our little one’s like nobody else it’s ok if something didn’t work the way you thought it will…it’s ok if you didn;t know how to go about a certain situation…we are all learning here and trust me – You’ve got this! Everytime you rise above what didn’t work and try to make things better…your kids are learning the same – to not give up, to keep trying and to be open about accepting that yes I am not perfect and I am still a work in progress..and I am proud of that 🙂






5 things I want my son to know…

I often wonder how will my relationship with my son be once he grows up? I also feel a bit scared realizing that he will not need me as much…he will get busy with his friends and as parents we will be lost in the background. Like that lady voice in google maps…you listen the directions when you are not sure which way to go…but once you get a hang of the route…you mostly just shut the app down. As a matter of fact…it’s the most natural thing to happen…when you will have lots of guidance to give but they will not be willing/interested to listen…we did the same right 🙂

But I always feel…it’s really important to have conversations with kids…and when I say conversation I do not mean updates…i mean real the kinds you have with your BFF’s…that raw…unfiltered…real talk…where you can just be as bare as you can think of… without the fear of anyone judging you. It’s a must have for any human if you ask me but ironically we rarely happen to have this kind of chemistry with our parents/families these days…and thank God for friends who come to our rescue.

Today while sitting and looking at my son…I seriously hoped I will be able to be that parent for him. Ever since I got to know I am going to be a mom…I had these conversations in my head…with my baby to be…the lessons I learned the hard way but which totally changed my life for good…it’s like a crisp summary of my life so far :

  • You may be tempted to mask your real self to fit in but do not ever try to loose yourself in imitating others…you are perfect as you are…your weirdness makes you unique and you should never be ashamed of it


  • You cannot force anyone to stay in your life – letting go is at times the best thing to do in life

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  • It’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn – and you will always have me to share them with


  • Never give up on your dreams – they may not always come true…they may not always be within reach…but striving for them is what makes our life worth living!

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And the most important

  • “When given a choice to be right or be kind – Choose kind”- for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle – R.J Palacio



You’ve got this not quit!


There will be days when you just want to give up…run away and feel like there is no weight on your shoulders. You hear people shout and you shout back even louder (thinking in your mind – Do you even realize what I have been dealing with).Days when you feel like your life is a total wreck and there is no way out.Days you lock yourself in the bathroom and cry…when you are lying down in your bed and can’t do anything but stare at the ceiling wondering what has life become?

While in my fellowship with Teach for India, I used to hear this word “Grit” a lot. I don’t think I really did understand the true meaning of this word until I became a mother, as for us – it’s a way of life – Grit & Grace. We have to be at it ensuring your kid is eating right…potty training…restricting sweet intake…or any kind of an act where they feel we are monsters Live in action and they try to make that cute face to melt our hearts or that sorry cry to make us feel like we are worst possible parents. If we fall into the trap there goes a week long effort into the drain.

If you happen to be a toddler mum, my heart goes out for you, as they can just make you feel like the most helpless person in the world..if they decide to do so. You’ve heard of mood swings…but you’ve got to see “Toddler Mood swings”. They’ll make you run around for Thing A and the moment you get that, they suddenly will throw a tantrum about how disgusting it is and now they will suddenly want Thing B and you will be like pulling your hair apart.

There are days when you are willing and happy to deal with it…but the more often kind of a scenario is when you just cannot handle this. You want to scream at the top of your voice and if you by any chances happen to do so…you will hear a sound louder than your’s making you wonder why on earth did you even consider having a child…or can I have him/her up for adoption?

Despite this madness and pulling our hair, every time you take your kid to the loo despite their endless retaliation, you reinforce this need to give up diapers. Every time you tell him not to drink soda, you reinforce that it’s not good for them. Before we even realize they start living these habits, even when we are not around.Our hard work pays off, when they themselves say No to a thing you would not let them have. Nobody will do this but you Mama. Nobody will chose to be the one being shouted at, handle a crying fit or clean up the mess your kids will make when you do not give in to their wishes. Nobody will stay up at night, looking at their faces, feel sorry for making them cry but chose to stick to the right thing.You will chose the best for your baby, even the habits, which will go a long way.

It may feel like you are being too harsh on your baby and yourself, but when you in your  heart know it’s for the better…stick to it. Always remember the times when we hated our mum’s for all the spanking we got, but eventually that made us who we are today. Had she not been strong enough to say “No” to us then, we would never had realize the value of the stuff we eventually earned or got…and if you say a “Yes” to everything your baby wants, you know he/she is in for trouble.

The days you feel defeated, let down, weak, incapable – you remember it’s a momentary feeling. Every time you feel you are about to burst, every time you want to cry your heart out, every time you feel like quitting look at the tiny human you just brought into this world….every action we do, is like a life lesson for them..You are the mom…you are the hero your kid looks are the one they trust and every time we show grit…we send out this message – “You see little fellow…We’ve got this!”

#newmoms #girlyouvegotthis #motherhood #theafterlifeakamotherhood #momstruggles #grit #toddlers #superhero #beyourownhero #sticktoit








I hope 2019 will be my year!

img_6151“Hope – Sometimes that’s all you have when you have nothing else. If you have it, You have everything.”

I just read my blog I published 4 years ago when I was kind of high on life 🙂 I wonder I knew back then what this quote will mean to me 4 years down the line.I thrive on it today, as I hope for things as little as putting my baby to sleep early – to get that extra time for myself…I hope to wake up 10 minutes early to sip my morning tea hot and in peace..I hope to wind up all my work super fast at work to be home on time…and the list kind of goes on.

But looking back I felt I have completely stopped thinking beyond or rather hoping for anything beyond a day of my life…it’s like I am literally living by the saying – take one day at a time! While that has kind of kept me alive so far so yes it definitely works…but will I always be this way? I surely do not want to 🙂 so what would make us come alive…once again. This is my shot at it:

I hope this year you feel the magic of sunshine on your face..your soul!

I hope you walk in the rain…reliving your childhood memories of sailing paper boats in this water…feeling the joy…the excitement it brought!

I hope you soak your feet in the sea holding hands with your loved ones…feeling how blessed you are to have them in your life!

I hope you feel the same rush of anxiety cum happiness like you just realized you are falling for “someone”…that feeling of constant bliss and calm when you hear that “that someone” loves you too!

I hope you take out that extra 5 minutes for your coffee, read that much awaited book or dance to that favorite high school number…I hope you feel alive amidst all the chaos that surrounds your life!

I hope this year you give up all your doubts, accept yourself as you are and love yourself more than anyone..I hope you smile looking at your reflection and not feel pity..and that smile reaches your eyes.

I hope this year you let go of everything that holds you back to live…to love the way you first knew…to feel who you were before “Life” took over!

#lifegoals #figuringoutlife #hope #ihope #2019 #personalgoals #happiness #lifetreasures #theafterlifeakamotherhood #findyourhope #life


Dealing with the Working Mom Guilt!

Surely we read about it during our pregnancy, had a chat or two with our friends who had experienced it..but did we ever realize it will hit us so hard? I remember the day I got my offer letter after a good 1.5 year maternity break and I was feeling on top of the world. Little did I know that this feeling is shortly going to bite the dust as the mother of all feelings is about to haunt me forever (that’s how it feels right now).

Once I joined back work, I was all enthusiastic to hop on and take every opportunity which will help me make my mark yet again and prove it once for all that having a baby does not take away your ability to perform at work.I was right, as I had double the amount of commitment towards my work and this feeling kept me pushing harder to perform.I think I did well at work anyways, but I also started to realize that in this entire show that I am trying to pull off, I am practically exhausting myself to death and it is eventually impacting the time I am spending with my son and my family as a whole.Like am I attending to his basic needs – yes, but is that all we need to do? Certainly not.

I remember the first time he fell terribly sick and I rushed home from work to see him or when he was crying so badly before letting me go to work that I was almost in tears by the time I finally left.The time when you get a call from home saying he is not eating or he has been asking for you all day long.You can actually feel this pain in your heart.It’s like your first heart ache…you felt the world is going to end…but this is worst. The reason being, you need to make a choice between running back to your baby or sticking to your goals.You want to be with the baby but you also want to ensure your work commitment is taken care of. It’s like you have to make a choice everyday and most of the times work wins as nobody is going to keep paying you if you never show up at work right?

Should I leave my job? Is there a alternate career option? I am being a horrible mom.We all have experienced this and much more and it’s an endless debate as to what is better – Stay at home Mom or a working mom. Honestly, having being exposed to both the phases, I know with every choice you make, you chose your struggles too. While being a full time SAHM, I felt guilty for abandoning my dreams and I hated the financial dependence I had on my partner. I had all the time with the baby and I didn’t know how to really use it as that itself is quite overwhelming.Being a working mom, its the other way round – I feel I am missing on his important milestones…I want to spend more time with him..take better care of his health.

Adding on to this, is the whole society pressure, we as women feel when it comes to raising children. It’s supposed to be the primary reason for our existence  – being a mom!We have seen our mothers leaving it all to ensure they were with us the whole time and we feel the same pressure. Especially in the Indian context, women are now allowed to work once they have babies.Imagine the kind of control the society has on us and we only add on to it by giving in.

So the bottom line is  – Guilt is not something which will end if we quit our jobs or stop working and just be with our kids, it’s probably going to grip us even harder in a form we are not yet aware of.There will be days which will be hard on us and we will have to fight our emotions and be strong like a wall to support our families/work..but that’s what makes our lives worthwhile. All these moments where we feel we stood the test of time and did our best.

Whether you chose to work or not, be rest assured as a mom you know what’s best for your baby and if doing that makes you happy…you’re crushing it!It’s your choice and you do not have to feel guilty about it. The mantra is to take one day at a time. Do not try to project trends for future basis how you are feeling right now.

This beautiful quote by Oprah Winfrey sums it up perfectly- “Do what you have to do Until You can do what you Want to do!”

#workingmom #momguilt #stopfeelingguilty #yourlifeyourchoice #beingamom #motherhoodstruggles #onedayatatime



Loneliness amongst New moms!

It’s finally the weekend…while leaving from work I see happy faces, people making plans to go out…movies…parties..catching up with friends…or binge watching some stuff on Netflix.I try to sneek out hurriedly from work as for me “its my time to be with my baby” ..I know it sounds the “awww” feel but it may not be what you want every weekend like on a loop sorts. I have no plans..and if you are thinking, I am the adventurous kind who loves to take life as it comes…well No..on the contrary I would rather prefer a manual which helps me navigate through my day to day literally yes that’s what I want at present.

Was I always this boring/predictable? Nopes…I always thought i’ll be the coolest mom ever…like going around meeting my friends…watching movies…shopping…roaming the world with my baby neatly tucked in the baby gear and me all set to conquer the world as the new age mama!! Wasn’t it how we all thought we would be? But little did we realize that how life will change once you become a mom.

Right from the time we bring the baby home…husband back to work after a week.. and there you are with the baby…night and day…figuring out how to put him to sleep…how to feed him..when to feed him…is it time to change the nappy already?? Didn’t I just do it like 5 minutes back? or he is hungry again? Did he just puke? Feed..sleep…change..Feed…repeat on …24*7.

In this whole routine one thing you crave the most is some company. Some one to hear you out..may be just listen to you the whole day and even see you cry…but just be there with you..without judging you…on how are you dealing with the baby…are you feeding him enough or are you making him burp properly. How many of us got that one person? I didn’t. I bet most of us struggled through this phase on our own.Surely our partners and family were there..but I’m sure none of us went to them and spoke about these issues. As we are not supposed…Come on…you just had a baby…you should be ecstatic…almost about to jump from the roof…isn’t that what you always wanted in be a Mom. I do not remember mentioning the word depression or feeling lonely in front of my parents even once. I might have passingly said to my partner once but never did I press it enough for him to realize that I was indeed very lonely. There were days when I used to just stare at the walls of my room…closing on me..and I did not had the will to move out to save myself…I felt I was drowning…deeper and deeper and I cannot do anything about it. I remember writing an email to him once, but I never sent it. It’s still in my drafts and every time I read it I am in tears.

What leads us to this point? I feel it’s a combination of our society’s perception and our own state of mind. Everybody feels the mother needs rest or alone time to bond with the they tend to stay away (which holds good for a lot of people you would rather avoid) and as far we are concerned, we are anyways lost in managing this challenge of ensuring we survive the sleepless nights and the endless cries. This whole sleep deprivation thing can be extremely bad for our mental health and it just adds to the mess we are in at that point of time.You are irritable, you do not feel like talking to anyone…clueless and confused we are just trying to prove ourselves..that yes we can do this and We do…we absolutely end up ensuring the well being our baby…but what about us?

We are lost in this transition from a woman to a mother…slowly we start to realize that we probably do not fit in with our peers…colleagues or cousins or even our partner who were like buddies earlier. Reason – our whole life surrounds around our babies. We practically cannot talk about anything else for more than 5 minutes without mentioning our baby. Expecting others to be interested in this the whole time is a bit too much to ask..isn’t it? Also now with a baby in life..all your plans revolve around him too…his nap time..his feeding time….his poop time…no really it’s important. Amidst all of this…you only end up looking at pictures of your “Once upon a time circle” on social media…having a drink at your favorite joint or clicking selfies on a holiday you can only dream of right now. You feel left out…like the world has forgotten you and you start questioning your existence. Your maid might get more importance from you…than what you get from your supposed circle (harsh but true).

It feels horrible and incredibly lonesome.You feel like you are trapped, you also feel like leaving your baby and running to some place else where you can actually live your life and like sleep…and there is nothing wrong if you feel this way. It’s the most natural feeling and the world needs to wake up to this.

How do your deal with this? Well I am still struggling to figure out myself but somethings which have worked for me were

  1. Call up your friends as often as you can – like if you cannot go out…call them home. It might sound crazy but trust me…adult interaction can help you feel normal faster than anything else (even if it’s helps)
  2. If you are genuinely feeling like nobody cares…then dare to go out alone.Take your baby with you if there is nobody to look after…venturing out will do you loads of good…its like a big incentive to get up..get ready and do something you have not done recently.
  3. Read read read…Thanks to the internet we have lots and lots of books and articles which can help you sail through this time. pick up what works best for you and keeps you motivated enough to survive this time
  4. Talk to your partner – like seriously if you feel you are loosing it…be open about it. He would never realize it until you give this message with a tone “like you are about to go bankrupt”…you need help and he is the best person to help you out.

In a nutshell, I would say that it’s a big change for us and we can’t really blame others for not feeling the way we do for ourselves…they have no clue! (which is a larger issue that we need more awareness around this topic which can practically help reduce cases with Post par tum depression).For now Mommies…hold on to your babies and let go off your fears…you’ve got this and you will sail through this time. For every tear you shed staying up at night wondering how life has changed for you…there will be a smile ahead when you look back and see  – you were strong enough to make it through!












Is Perfect ka pressure overpowering our original self?

I am 33, mother to a toddler boy and married for 6 years. While getting ready for work (if at all I have time) the first thing I do is cover up my dark circles, look at my skin and feel sorry for myself for not taking care of it but again dab a lot of make up to make it look fresh and glowing. The more frequent scene is when I am just barely managing to reach office in time and at times people end up asking me “Are you not keeping well?” and I am like yeah..sort of (clear message – you need make up).

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he generally asked me to share a recent pic of mine and the first thing that came to my mind was – “OMG! a pic now..I look like a hair is such a mess” so I simply gave him some excuse and did not share my pic just because I no longer feel confident about sharing myself as I am with people.

When I go on a holiday or even a dinner out somewhere, I click hundred’s of pics but do I share them all on Facebook/Instagram? I surely get the security concerns so right we shouldn’t be sharing it all but is it only that what stops us? No. It’s much more deeper.

The recent ad from Idea has captured this message so beautifully – “Perfect ka pressure hatao” – We are all striving to be perfect, the way we look, the way the world sees us. Perfection is amazing, but does it mean that we get so obsessed with it that we forget our real selves and just pretend to be someone we are no way close to? As we grow old, our bodies change, our face changes too and instead of embracing this change all we want to do is cover it up.I have been one of these people too lately spending endlessly on cosmetics to ensure my looks remain intact (at least in public/social media).

I am not against make up or anything but the problem arises when we get too dependent on it, or too conscious about the way we look that we try to hide our natural self by editing pictures or just putting a tad of concealer even at home to cover up. What made me wake up to this was this article I read about an Instagram account – #greyhairdontcare and trust me I have spent half my life worrying about my grey hair as I got them fairly early in life. And then we keep getting these make up tutorial posts on our facebook walls and I see so many of my friends following and liking these which actually makes me wonder…do they actually get time to try all of this? I guess not but they still feel the need to follow.

This new year, that’s one resolution I have taken, No makeup is the way to go! #realwalipic #iamnotperfect #beyourself #embraceyourbeauty #justmeIMG_5987